So here’s what I do.
I explore the undercurrents. I’m a sonar in the depths. Picking up on the signals that no-one wants to hear or talk about. The despair, the pain, the misery, the gloom. Because that sort of talk is socially unacceptable. Because there’s a social pressure to avoid the undertow. Just look on the bright side! And whatever you do, be positive!
I’m calling bullshit on the social pressure to be positive ALL the time. It’s everywhere. It’s in all the best clichés. It’s in the advice you hear over coffee. It’s in the blogs full of sunniness and romance. It’s in all those uplifting quotes that people stick on your Facebook news feed. (The worst ones add a twist of guilt in for good measure: You have the power to be positive and if you’re not it’s your fault).
It’s also the currency that rules success. Especially if you’re a blogger. If you want to attract numbers and brands, be sunshine and lollipops. Everyone is in on this positivity business.
When did the dark and deep become so unpalatable? Is it just too confronting? Too depressing? Why are we so scared?
There’s nothing wrong with positivity. But I have a problem with it when it comes at the expense of being real. I’ve said this before on this blog: Being real is where the growth is. Being out of your comfort zone is where life begins. Being vulnerable is where rich connection happens. It’s good stuff.
I also have a problem with over-positivity when it becomes insensitive to people who find it enormously difficult to be positive all the time because their brain just isn’t wired that way. In fact, the chemicals in their brain have altered. Or the trauma they have experienced is blocking that ability.
Some lives have experienced more hardship than others. Until we have truly walked in the shoes of another person, who are we to tell them how they should feel or what attitude they should be having?
Social media is the worst for this pressure. A typical sentiment I wake up to is: Everyone has hardship, but it’s how you deal with it that matters. Look at the glass half full! All very well. But, imagine hearing this and knowing your feelings don’t (and can’t) measure up. Imagine trying to battle that negative spiral, but the fog in your head won’t budge.
I’m sick of being made to feel guilty about the way my brain is operating. Some days I get depressed. This is not a choice. And I fight and fight and fight it. I climb so hard out of the spiral. But some days the spiral gets me. This doesn’t mean that I am a failure in this social expectation (or at life). It doesn’t mean that my worth is compromised. Feeling like a failure for not being more positive in my failure is insult to injury.
I am not saying it isn’t good to be positive. Reading positive things can be very encouraging. What I’m saying is, can we be real too? Can we stop beating ourselves up for not being positive all the time?
There is so much relief in allowing ourselves to experience the gamut of emotions in our human make-up. Accepting and loving all our emotions is healthy.
Today I’m going to embrace my gloom. Love my unhappiness. Accept it, and find freedom in being real with it. I might find hope. Or I might not. But if i do if won’t be out of pressure from a fancy Pinterest quote. It will be born out of grief, brokenness and a gutful of pain. It will surface from my human desire to find it.
It will be profound, solid, and tangible. The real thing.
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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh yes, yes, yes. I walk the black dog some days too and tire of people telling me to “cheer up”. X
Yes, Caroline I dislike that too… along with “snap out of it”.
Well, said, Deb!! Realness and authenticity is far superior to positivity. And you still have your witt. The fancy Pinterest bit made me laugh. Hugs!! ((0)))
Thanks Joy.
I went and got my hair cut on Thursday, with the same hairdresser that I’ve been using for the last 7 years. She cuts from home now, and I consider her a friend, not just my hairdresser. When I told her that the move from the hill had stirred up lots of ghost, and been really hard, she replied, “Vicky, you just have to leave all of that behind! And move on”. Hmmmm… I actually did to her, “well that is a whole lot easier said then done when you have PTSD and acute anxiety disorder! I wish it was that easy! Because then THAT’S what I would be doing!!” I get tired of being told to move on. I am bloody moving on. Just some days or weeks or in this case months it’s a whole lot friggin harder.
As for positivity quotes- when I fall across them, they are for me! I feel like its the universe whispering to me that I will get through this. If someone else sees them on my feed/wall I haven’t put it there for them. I’ve put it there for me.
and your right, to have truly human experience, we need to feel the gamut of emotions that flow through us. For me, that is what being authentic is all about. Warts and all.
Vicky recently posted..My sons
Vicky! I like that idea about the universe whispering quotes… I’m readjusting my attitude about them slightly now! I’m sorry to hear about your hairdresser incident. I can totally relate. When people say such things to me I just move on. It’s not worth sticking around to invest anymore of yourself. xxx
I truly hope that one day we sit down and share a pot of tea and a chat, deb. Some of the most interesting, most beautiful art, music, film, literature in the world have come about from the ability to feel and accept a range of emotions. Happiness is not a goal or a permanent state of mind. It is one emotion that exists, as are fear, anger, sadness and so much more. I don’t believe it is natural or real to focus on just one of our emotions. Positivity is not a bad thing but I guess the marketing/ life coaching industry have made it into a money making business, hence all the pretty quotes on FB, pinterest etc. I agree, there is a power in rising up against your darkest emotions, when the time is right, when the moment is real. Great post, deb x
Gill, I would LOVE to share a pot of tea with you. I love your comment so much. Absolutely, yes yes yes! xxx
That’s what I like about you, you’re real. Love your writing
Thanks so much, Tez! x
Someone once called me real and it was one of the best compliments I’ve ever been given. But being real is scary sometimes, and hard. Sometimes I think I have painted myself into a bloggy corner even with my name!
Thanks for being you, and for being real, and for sharing that real with us.
It’s definitely a compliment. And yes it’s scary and hard sometimes! A lot of people find me confronting because I’m ‘real’ – but I figure it’s their loss and I just have to keep being true to me. And your blog name? I love it! I think your authenticity shines through. xx
Deb I am just writing an article on this very subject after reading this: http://www.dailylife.com.au/health-and-fitness/dl-wellbeing/thinking-negative-20120903-2595x.html
I am all for being positive and seeing the bright side of life but I know too well that there will always be dark days. The best we can do for our souls is acknowledge those dark days and see them for what they are: reality.
I agree wholeheartedly. Pretending to be eternally happy without any sorrow is simply not realistic or sustainable.
Well written Deb. xo
Peggy Saas recently posted..Leave the fear behind
Thanks for that interesting read in that link, Peggy. I look forward to reading your take on it too.
Yes, reality is what it is. Reading your posts this year I know that you know reality! And I admire your positive outlook so much. Because it’s genuine. x
It is so funny that I ended up here just after seeing a few quotes on pinterest that were of the vein of “you can choose to be happy”. I am about to restart ADs after years med-free as the effort required to be ok right now is so much that i don’t want to crack in half again. I love quotes and share them daily but not ones laden with guilt or that make light of life’s hardships – pain is real and life is not always easy and not always in our control. Great post and i love the way the universe connects thoughts and writing together when i need it most.
Deb @ Home life simplified recently posted..Letting go
Deb, so glad you were here. And I’m hearing you. And sending you lots of love and strength with your journey. It’s a rough road. Thank you for being real too. xx
Beautifully said (as always) Deb. I actually commented on twitter the other day that I had reached affirmation saturation on facebook. Every second thing in my feed was an image with an affirmation and while I am as guilty as the next person for sharing these things around, I thought it was interesting to find I had a saturation point!!
Ah what can we do … on social media, as in real life, people don’t want to hear about the bad stuff. Thank god for blog posts I say and all the people out there who aren’t scared to share the good times and bad
Kelly Exeter recently posted..Grounded in Perth
Thank you Kelly. Yes, I know that saturation point too! Not sure there has to be a solution. We can control what we read and react to. And yes, thank goodness for blogs. Cutting edge of real. xx
Love these words.Nothing shuts me down quicker than if I open up and say how down I feel and someone says get over it or think positive or everyone has bad days.
Sometimes we just need to own our feelings and be heard and understaood….not told how to fix ourselves..
Thankyou for making me feel it is ok not to always feel positive.xx
Oh Deby, thank you. I understand that shut down thing so well. When someone says ‘get over it’ it’s such an empathy blocker! We definitely all need to be heard. Agree. xx
I am currently learning about the limitations of blogging due to the ‘echo-chamber’ at uni. The suggestion is that people tend to read the same blogs and comments usually agree with the writer. When a commenter disagrees they are often flamed by others or disregarded as trolls. I think there is a tendency in social media and blogs to speak about “negativity” like it’s a sin and I find if you follow the chain of tweets or comments back far enough it usually points to a business or brand’s bottom line. I have read at least three or four “about me” pages recently and copious amounts of tweets that have denounced negativity and I don’t even know what that means. If we look at art it is frequently dark and not always pleasant to look at but that is why we often learn so much from it. Bill Henson’s photography is a prime example and there was a great article last week that talked about much the same thing.
An you cannot tell someone to think positively and assume it is that easy. People can spend years in cognitive behavioural therapy to change the way their brain reacts to stressful events. Sorry about the extremely long comment but you are in my head Deb! It’s been something I’ve been thinking about a lot too.
Carli recently posted..New York, New York
Carli, I had another tangent in this post that I didn’t publish – but will do a separate one soon – about how some readers feel the need to tell bloggers how they should feel & how they should write (ie more positive!). There’s a difference between negativity and reality though – and I think they get lumped in the same box. Which is the same point I think you make.. the sin of negativity. It’s truly bizarre and misunderstood.
Loved your comment – thank you!
Hey Deb
I’m actually pretty happy and positive at the moment. Which is totally atypical. It’s almost unfamiliar. I’ve been in the depths so much, for so long, it’s almost part of who I am.
Happiness is good and I recommend it, but there are not shortcuts to getting there, certainly NOT twee one liners with a side of guilt.
I agree with you about growth, it does require vulnerability and realness.
Thanks for this post.
Jill recently posted..Our one wild and precious life
Jill, I’m so glad you are experiencing happiness! Yep, no shortcuts. And you – of all people – have not taken any. Your physical and emotional journeys are amazing. I’m so sorry it’s taken me weeks to get back to reading your blog – I can’t wait to read about China. So missed your stories! xx
I definitely think we need to learn how to look negativity dead in the eye and address it if we’re ever to overcome the crappier moments of our lives. Totally get where you’re coming from on this one, Deb
Sharon @ Funken Wagnel recently posted..Being Female
Yay! I love that you get where I’m coming from so often, Sharon! xx
I love this so much. So much .. thank you.
edenland recently posted..I Was Here.
Thanks, Eden. I love your real-ness so much. x