I want to ooze colour and light. I want to scrape out the shadows. I want to rake up the essence. I want to illuminate the truth. I want to squeeze the goodness. I want to write and write and write.
But I can’t. Not because I don’t want to. Not because there are no ideas. But because there’s this thing happening that short circuits every attempt to be creative. It’s an unbloggable thing unfolding in the life of my family. Where I am legally unable to speak of it. We have already endured so much in the last two years. It is painful. And it is hanging over us like a wrecking ball.
This morning I sat at this desk and looked out my window. I sat there choking on my anger. I sat there hoping for justice. I looked out from my tiny inner world to a bigger world of garden and trees. I tried to find the answers out there. Out there is full answers, did you know?
Out there is the garden of your soul.
Out there is glorious comforting sunshine.
Out there is vibrant mysterious nature.
Out there are soothing balms of blossoms.
Out there are sweet drops of Spring.
Out there is restoration.
Out there is lightness.
Out there anything is possible.
We may not find all the answers we want. But we can feel alive again.
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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
There’s nothing worse than wanting to share something and being held back by grown up reasons, is there? I’ve had that a few times this year, and it sucks, because it’s when you really need to reach out to your readers more than ever. Stupid privacy, stupid laws, stupid all of it, I say.
If you need a chat, I’m happy to get in touch:)
Sharon @ Funken Wagnel recently posted..The $96,000 House
Yep, I hear you on that Sharon. Thank you SO much for reaching out to me. I’d love to chat to you one day soon. xxx
lots of love to you all xoxo
Thanks, Mary. xx
Oh goodness! I hope that soon you will be able to bring ‘out there’ all the way ‘in here’ and be free from what ever is troubling your family at last.
Naomi Bulger recently posted..Dear friend
Yes, Naomi, so do I. Thank you so much for this comment. xx
Must be so hard.Hope all works out for you.
Thankyou for sharing the beautiful photos to show… yes we can feel alive again.
I too needed to be reminded of this.xx
Thank you, Deby. I’m glad you enjoyed the photos. Spring is divine, isn’t it? xx
So sorry that you have something going on that is “unspeakable” Deb. I wish I could help. I know myself that when I have something that I need to express and want to write about it, but can’t, it completely takes away my flow.
I am so pleased that it is Spring and we can revel in what is happening out there. xx
Lee recently posted..Peace out, clear out.
Spring is so timely at the moment. It really makes us all feel better I think! And thank you, Lee. I appreciate your care. xx
I love that last photo, deb- the look of delight, the flower held in that cute little palm, I hope you are okay. And I hope you get your justice x
I love that last photo too – there’s something so delightful about his innocent delight. And thank you, I will be okay (eventually). Just riding the storm. xxx
Oh, Deb, I’m so sorry. God, do I ever understand this. On a very visceral level. I’m sorry that whatever you’re going through right now is stealing your words and the lightness from your life. Keep looking ahead into the sunshine. Much love. xo
Wanderlust recently posted..A very good ending
Kristin, thank you. So good to know you understand. xxx
Knowing you as the individual who expresses herself so beautifully and vividly, I can only begin to imagine your frustration. Whatever it is, Deb. Stay strong. And as you so wisely told me during my time of forced silence, “The truth will have its day”. Love to you x
Grace recently posted..Learning to give
Grace, I remember your enforced time of silence. You were strong and gracious… much like your name. Thank you for reminding me of it, and of that line. xx
Aargh Deb – I have been there. It is horrible
I hope an outcome emerges sooner rather than later 
Kelly Exeter recently posted..The gentle art of self-sabotage
Thanks Kel! It is horrible. By the way, I read your post on miscarriage at iVillage today – very brave and important post. And handled so beautifully by yourself. xx
It’s funny…just today I had this agonising need to write down truths, then stopped. After some thought I have decided that I am going to write it done. All of it. And just make it private. … When the time comes, then I will make it public. I’m tired of having words butting at the forefront of my brain bursting to come out but withholding it. I understand. And admire your ability to refocus and seek out beauty.
Vicky, hello. I’m not always great at refocusing. There is so much value in writing it all down, I agree, never stop. And when the time is right, you can set the truth free. I hope you will find the right moment for you. PS I’ve only just discovered your blog and love what you have to say. x
Sometimes just sharing your own refocus helps others to do the same… It does for me at least.
Your blog is gorgeous…so organised, and peaceful. That probably doesn’t make much sense. My blog, is loud and chaotic in comparison. The wonderful thing is that it takes all types to make a world, and it would be a very boring place if we were all the same.
I’ll be back to read some more.
Vicky recently posted..My sons
Thank you so much Vicky. I agree.. all types. And we can all compliment each other. It’s funny you say this about my blog because I feel fiery and chaotic inside (maybe subconciously I created a space to retreat in that was opposite?!). xx
Sorry to read this Deb, I hope things sort themselves out quickly and you’ve got some real world people to support you x
Carli recently posted..I go to Rio
Absolutely, Carli. Thanks, we do have real world support, thank goodness. x
I think you’ve cut through to the heart of it. Whatever is going on in our lives looking out to the beauty of nature is reinvigorating.
I hope that the problems that you are currently facing fade away soon.
All the very best
Mumabulous
Mumabulous recently posted..Housework – The Opportunity Cost.
Thank you so much. Yes, nature is so reinvigorating – good word. x
Which is why blogging is so important. Because look how it feels when we can’t do it. Gosh, I hope whatever it is is over soon…
Jill recently posted..21 ways to tell you are living like a Mongolian Nomad
Blogging is important isn’t it? And thank you, Jill. x
I understand the power and pain of the unbloggable.
when your life is your words and then your words are gagged.
I understand.
x
kelley @ magnetoboldtoo recently posted..Bitches love awards
Perhaps we should start a club called the Unbloggables?! Where we can vent anonymously about the unbloggable things in our lives. Thank you for being a person who understands. Being gagged is makes the painful even more painful. x
my dearest Deb, I’ve been in my own little world too long, I am sorry I didn’t know you were going through such a tough phase. May Springtime give you beautiful days to hide from the ugliness that is troubling your beautiful family.
Talk soon xxxx
Sara recently posted..Pregnant daze – A preamble to my kids’ birth stories
Thank you so much, Sara. xxx
I hope that this burden is short-lived and resolution is imminent. xx
Veronica @ Mixed Gems recently posted..The neglected blog post
Thanks, Veronica. I’ve missed you! Thanks. Since this was written things got worse and then better… maybe! I hope! We live in hope. x