Climbing the hill. Wind whistling through my ears. Pulling me higher. Each foothold more slippery than the last. The winter sun slices through me as it hits the ground. It crashes into a million pieces of light, reflecting off the hill like a giant beacon that no-one will see. Nearly there. Heart pumping. Bones shaking. Grinning down the valley like a fool.
Ready to let it all go.
Ready to start again.
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Every morning this week I have climbed the hill. I go there to get a little rush. I go there to feel free.
It’s a ritual I started a few years ago. Every winter. Just as the cold freezes me to standstill, I get into my car and drive to the hill. I get out and climb higher on foot. On days when my kids are with me, I don’t climb very far, but I still walk up a few footsteps, just to feel my feet on the earth.
The view is breathtaking. It lifts me out of my coldness. It shows me what is beyond this small grey town. I can see all the way to the city and to the valleys either side. On a clear day I can even see the faint haze of the dark blue sea. That’s what’s so good about a view. It helps us see beyond ourselves. It gives us the big picture. It let’s us dream of the potential.
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Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
I just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
“Son,” he said “Grab your things,
I’ve come to take you home.”~ Solsbury Hill, Peter Gabriel
It’s my favourite Peter Gabriel song of all time. It’s raw. It’s adrenaline. It’s courage. It’s epiphanies.
I’ve wondered about these lyrics for 20 years now. Some people say the song is about Peter’s decision to leave Genesis. I think the words are obscure enough to give us all something.
Peter himself says, “It’s about being prepared to lose what you have for what you might get, or what you are for what you might be. It’s about letting go. By letting go, you create the space for something new to happen.”
Solsbury Hill is usually blasting on my 80′s mix tape when I drive to my hill. It’s the soundtrack to my soul-searching. It gives me the sense that something beautiful is just around the corner. It feels hopeful. It feels imminent.
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I’ve been asking my hill some questions. What next? Where is my home? I’m ready for something new. I’m listening.
I’ve been madly trying to find home for 40 years now. This year I’m chasing it down even harder. I’m scrambling for it.
This last week I’ve been looking at real estate. Everywhere. Looking at all possibilities. No matter how scary it might be.
When I find home, I hope it will grip me and hold me. I hope I will hear a triumphant whisper deep inside. And I’ll know when I finally find it. Because I’ll feel the urgency to run to it.
Grab your things, I’ve come to take you home.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
You have got me yearning for some Peter Gabriel now!
I hope you find your home soon. I feel so lucky that I know that Melbourne is home for me, as well as this south western end of Victoria. Though having said that after 5 and a half years in London, that started to feel like home too. But it mustn’t be because I don’t pine for it.
I do love a view! xx
Oh Lee, he’s brilliant. I’ve been going through a big phase of PG lately. I’m so glad you feel a sense of home. I blame my childhood for my shaky start! (LOL… no, I don’t blame you Mum – incase she’s reading this)… but moving around so much seems to have had a deeper impact on me then I realised.
I lived in the same little town for 18 years and still don’t consider it home, I wanted out of there from the time I was 12. I moved away for three years and circumstance brought me back, my need to get out was worse than before. I made a small stepping-stone move, only 30 minutes from my ‘home town’. Was only supposed to be here a year or two. Still here, and while the house feels like home, the town doesn’t if that makes sense. Sometimes I think it’s just a lesson I need to learn, that home is about who I’m with, not about where I am. But there are times when something inside of me is practically screaming “We’ve got to get out of this place.” I hope you find home soon Deb, and that you’ll run there as fast your legs can carry you.
Happylan recently posted..July Photo-a-day Favourite – Week Two
Thank you so much Alana!
I hope you find that home and when you do, you get to put down deep, nourishing roots. And in the meantime, keep climbing that hill. Perhaps it is a little piece of home in itself? I’ve moved around so much in recent years I’ve taken that Ed Sharpe song “Home is wherever I’m with you” song way too much to heart.
On another matter, I’ve been reading back over all your posts that I missed while having baby, and you are on fire! So many poignant, beautifully written pieces. I am a little bit swept away.
Naomi Bulger recently posted..Last night
Thank you, Naomi. I hope you’re feeling home? For some reason even though my husband and kids are here (am so grateful for that) I still feel homeless. I’ve got issues – you know that!
So beautiful Deb. I so understand the feeling of feeling alive. Sometimes, I go outside in barefeet, when it’s cold…because it makes me feel alive. xxx
Kelly recently posted..Simple Origami Bat
Thank you so much Kelly! I understand that feeling too. x
Deb, you’ve done it again! This is so what we’re going through here at the moment too. Been chasing that home, and now we’ve found one, are hoping on hope that this is the place to settle. Love Peter Gabriel, my fave song of his is games without frontiers.
Sharon @ Funken Wagnel recently posted..I Knew Them When
I really hope you’ve found home, Sharon. It sounds very promising! I LOVE Games Without Frontiers too. He’s a legend. x
Gosh, Deb. This post is so timely for me.
I’ve been feeling lost lately – losing my identity as to who I was and looking at myself these days thinking, “This is so not me…but where am I ?”
I love Solsbury Hill too. I think I’ll have to pull it out, listen to it and get me some inspiration.
Hope you find your home soon x
Grace recently posted..The Ungodly Hour
Grace, I hope you feel less lost soon. It’s a strange feeling. Maybe because of our cultural mix in upbringing too? Identity and home are very related. Lots of love to you. xx