Who are you?

June 10, 2012

I’m writing to you from down here.

Down here is where angels and infidels meet. There’s a party going on. Come on in.

There are mermaids, rock stars, and quirky townspeople. There’s a wild wind, a house by the sea, and a cat sleeping curled. There’s the scent of sandalwood and candlenuts somersaulting in the air.

It’s so easy to get lost down here. You’ll find me somewhere in between the whimsy of fairy lights and celtic swirls.

In the corner there’s a little box of keepsakes. Some blissful little trinkets. Some souvenirs of pain. In a medium sized box there’s photos. Jigsaw pieces of time. And the biggest box of all is crammed full of words. Raging and frothing about. A few have left the box. They are dancing like butterflies in the crispy breeze.

Dylan Thomas is on the couch stroking his boy-like face. He’s having a cup of tea with a cheerful lady. On the other side of the room Bono is crooning in soft Irish tones. Mother Teresa is kicking back with my Dad. Mum and my sisters are holding my babies. My dear husband is sweeping the floor. Meanwhile, Paul Klee is painting glorious abstract rose gardens on the walls. It’s busy down here.

It’s so busy I could be here for awhile. There’s still the needles, the scars, the dark nights. There’s still the healing, the miracles, the luminous lights. But it’s spinning so fast. I need to breathe it in before it fades away.

As I walk to the door I see her there. Calling me from thousands of years away.  I haven’t seen her in awhile but she starts chatting like we’re old mates. She helps herself to a generous slice of fruitcake and smiles. Those angels at the door let me in.

I figure as much.

You know you’re named after me?

I know this but I hadn’t thought much about it until this moment.

She taps me on the shoulder. Can you see it? Can you see it now?

I don’t want to look. It’s terrifying to look.

You’re just like me. Sure, we’re different in a lot of ways. But you love justice. You’re a poet. You’re a warrior. You’re a truth-bearer.

That’s a lot to live up to. I turn to leave. But she continues.

It’s been with you all along. You can’t run away from it. It’s who you are.  

Who I am? I thought this room was who I am.

I realise then the room is just dust particles. Holograms of mementos and memories. The room doesn’t define me.

I need to stop asking Who? I need to start asking Why?

I walk up the stairs and out the door.

Rich blood flows to every muscle.

I’m amazed at how strong I feel when I am being me.

I stretch as far as my wing span will go.

And step into the lucid light.

 

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{ 67 comments… read them below or add one }

Glowless June 10, 2012 at 10:42 am

I am the opposite – if I ask why, there are too many answers, most of which are horrible. Loved reading this.
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I’m asking why in the sense of ‘purpose’ rather than explaining our unexplainables! Yes, that would be horrible. :) Thank you for reading, Glowless. x

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Carli June 10, 2012 at 11:24 am

I knew you would come up with a cracker for this theme Deb x
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Thank you Ms Carli. x

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Naomi June 10, 2012 at 12:57 pm

‘But you love justice. You’re a poet. You’re a warrior. You’re a truth-bearer.’ LOVE this line. Love it.
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Thank you Naomi!

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Catherine Rodie Blagg @CoTaaB June 10, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Well fuck me. That was amazing. I read it twice. I’ve not visited your blog before… but I will again!!
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MoederKip June 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm

“well fuck me”. Exactly!
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Thank you to you too Nat! x

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Deb June 10, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Thank you for that emphatic compliment! x

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Angie@TheLittleMumma June 10, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Yep! Can’t say it better than that.

This? Is writing. Loved it.
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Thank you Angie.

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Anna Spargo-Ryan June 10, 2012 at 2:04 pm

This is like poetry, Deb.
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I find it hard to turn off my poetic impulses. – Hence this post I guess.

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MsMandie June 10, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Deb, this was just lovely to read. You had me hanging on every one of your words.
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Thanks Ms Mandie. x

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Kate Sins June 10, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Wow. I had to read twice. My very literal brain struggles so much with your intellect sometimes Deb, but as always i am awed at your talent x
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Kate, I admit this one is a bit trippy. I honestly struggled with pressing publish on this one. I didn’t expect many to ‘get’ it (because of the personal references) – but I couldn’t write it any other way. PS I’m in awe of your intellect. x

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Laney June 10, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I really enjoyed reading that. You took me away somewhere. And there was Bono of course.
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Of course there was Bono! ;) Thanks Laney. x

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katesaysstuff June 10, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Amazing. Simply amazing.
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Thanks Kate. x

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Caz (The Truth About Mummy) June 10, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Wow. You can sure write girl. Beautiful :)
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Thanks for that lovely comment, Caz. :)

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Tez June 10, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Wow! And Wow! You knocked my socks off with this post. Love it xxx

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Deb June 10, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Tez – so great to see you here! xx

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Denyse Whelan Education Specialist June 10, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Deb, I have not read such a beautiful piece of writing for a very long time…that evoked in me a sense of how deeply you think then create as you write…much kudos to you for this gift
Denyse x

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Deb June 10, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Denyse, I am touched that you can see this from what I wrote. Really, I so appreciate you saying so. x

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Happylan June 10, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Oh this is just brimming with stunning imagery and it is such a beautiful read, Deb. Still picturing those words dancing like butterflies and of course you stretching your wings and stepping into the lucid light. xx
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Thanks so much Alana. I’m still brimming with the memory of your beautiful voice on your Vlog today! You are so lovely. xx

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kim at allconsuming June 10, 2012 at 10:04 pm

I love this. LOVE. IT.
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Thank you, Kim. I love that you love it. x

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Deb June 10, 2012 at 10:40 pm

PS You’re Szechuan style eggplant link is making me feel SO hungry. Off to check it out!

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Christine Macdonald June 10, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Beautifully written. Poetic, with words wrapping around our hearts.

I’m a new reader/follower from California.

Can’t wait to get to know you / read more.

xo
@thatgalkiki
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Deb June 10, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Christine, it is an honour to have you here. I loved reading your post today. Thank you. x

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Twitchy June 11, 2012 at 12:34 am

Lyrical, beautiful, evocative and awesome! Just like you. Thank you for that lovely imagery Deb x

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Deb June 11, 2012 at 11:43 am

Thanks so much Twitchy! x

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Rach @ Squiggly Rainbow June 11, 2012 at 6:39 am

Deb, this is amazing, love your writing, love your style. xxx Thanks for finding me! xx Rach
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Deb June 11, 2012 at 11:44 am

Thank you, Rach. x

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Grace June 11, 2012 at 7:44 am

Wow! You just keep astounding me with your beautiful writing, Deb. I do hope you realise just how gifted you are, my friend xxx
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Deb June 11, 2012 at 11:45 am

Thank you dear friend. xx

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Kek June 11, 2012 at 9:18 am

Wow. Just wow.

Loved. This.
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Deb June 11, 2012 at 11:48 am

Thank you Kek. x

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Veronica @ Mixed Gems June 11, 2012 at 9:20 am

You have such an amazing gift with words. You paint pictures with them like I try to create images from my camera but your stories are so rich with much depth. I love the imagery you create and you reveal yourself and your tastes through your name dropping of Bono, Dylan and Klee. I think it’s really poignant that you move near the end of this piece from “who” to “why”. We could navel gaze forever but using our life for a purpose is really more enriching. You can learn who you are along that journey just as well.
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Deb June 11, 2012 at 11:52 am

I always love your thoughtful comments, Veronica. You’re analytical brain is beautiful. x

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Jen R June 11, 2012 at 10:05 am

Wow Deb….really Wow
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Deb June 11, 2012 at 11:53 am

Thanks, Jen. x

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Misha June 11, 2012 at 11:30 am

Wow. Just.. wow. I haven’t visited your blog before but the way that you write will bring me back. And what you wrote will keep me thinking for a while. I love the way you feel so strong being you after going through the introspective process. So powerful.
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Deb June 11, 2012 at 11:54 am

Thank you so much for coming here Misha. And thanks for your lovely comment! x

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Maria Tedeschi (Mum's Word) June 11, 2012 at 11:51 am

Oh what a post. Trying to mould who you are. You know sometimes I think I know what I’m destined to become, who I’m destined to be and then sometimes something happens to make me think ‘hang on, maybe I’ve got it wall wrong’. But it’s an instinct that you can’t suppress and so it rises again.

Love & stuff
Mrs M
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Deb June 11, 2012 at 11:57 am

You nailed it, Maria. It’s something you can’t suppress. The clarity of who I’m meant to become gets sharper with every year of my life.

So great to see you here. x

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Naomi Bulger June 11, 2012 at 6:15 pm

This is glorious. I love this post so much, I have read it three times! And clearly from all the comments, I am not alone. Beautifully, beautifully written my friend.
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Deb June 11, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Thank you so much Naomi. xxx

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Rex June 12, 2012 at 7:57 am

Very moving Deb. I can relate to this, so well. I love Paul Klee. And I have always known the real me, it’s about accepting that and believing in the inner beauty of yourself.

I adored this Deb. X

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Deb June 12, 2012 at 10:57 am

Rex, you’re gorgeous. I knew your artistic soul would get this. xx

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Maxabella June 12, 2012 at 10:35 am

That was marvellous. x
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Deb June 12, 2012 at 10:56 am

Thank you Bron. x

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Daisy June 12, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Deb, your writing just blows me away. I can’t even express how this post made me feel. That feeling of stretching your wings out to full span, I felt that for you. Lots of love!
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Deb June 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Yes! I’m so glad you felt that too. Lots of love to you, Daisy. x

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Peggy Saas June 12, 2012 at 6:39 pm

So poetic Deb, you write so beautifully. So beautifully. Thank you for publishing, I really enjoyed reading this. xo
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Deb June 12, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Thank you for that lovely comment, Peggy. xx

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Sharon @ Funken Wagnel June 13, 2012 at 1:04 pm

You are brilliant, is what you are:)
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Deb June 13, 2012 at 5:24 pm

xx Sharon.

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inkpaperpen June 13, 2012 at 5:04 pm

You have blown me away. YOU are such a writer, I could picture it all so vividly, especially Dylan Thomas on the couch and Bono in the corner. Really, truly glorious writing. Another post of yours that I will come back to when I need to think strong. X

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Deb June 13, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Thank you so much Gillian! Was about to email you too. x

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Jules June 20, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Beautifully written, requires, deserves more than one reading for all to be inhaled.
:-)
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Deb June 20, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Thank you, Jules. xx

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