Within the walls of this house lies a secret world.
If I had set up a camera to take time-lapse pictures inside our home every day for the last four years it would show a house steadily imploding with clutter.
Now it stands like an ancient city. Hidden under layers and layers of matter. Layers and layers of time. Each layer reveals splinters of stories and relics of dysfunction.
This week I began an excavation mission. I asked my husband to take 2 weeks off work so I could do this. His mission is to hold the kids. You know that old saying Trying to clean with toddlers in the house is like shovelling snow in a blizzard? Yeah, that one. The person who came up with that has surely lived my kind of hell in the last few years.
So I got out my proverbial shovel, and started digging. I’m still digging and digging. Under these layers somewhere I’ll find it. I’m sure it’s there. Whatever it is.
So far I have discovered this…
I’m a collector. Collectors live dangerously on the edge of being hoarders. But they are also passionate and sentimental people. They are never boring.
I’m on hold. I have piles of books. I have boxes of creative projects. All waiting patiently for me. In limbo while the sheer force of toddlers is in this house. The wait has been excruciating. But it won’t be long now. I’m the cusp of creative freedom again.
I’m complex. No surprises here. But I’m owning it in a positive light. For many years my complexity was my shame. I was an oddball. Too emotional, too expressive, too fiery. So I was told. I’ll never forget the day my husband accompanied me to see a psychologist. I’d been having counselling for post-traumatic stress in the years after leukaemia. She turned to my husband at the end of the session and said “I hope you realise what a beautifully complex wife you have”. I’ve never felt so validated in my life.
Unearthing all my clutter has forced me to examine aspects of my complexity all over again. Can I improve something here? Can I throw something out there? But this time there’s no shame. I’m feeling rich.
In my excavations I also found this old picture. My sisters and I in awe of a puppet show on our front porch in Indonesia. I’ve always loved this picture. It evokes the wonder and innocence of our childhood. Life was simple then.
When I look at it I yearn for life to feel this magical and uncomplicated again.
But it isn’t. And that’s okay. What I do have is this.
I have the wonder and innocence of my own children to witness. I get to fully appreciate this with my complex adult mind. Because true appreciation of this wouldn’t be possible any other way. One can’t exist without the other.
I’m still digging. I wonder what else I will find.
I hope to discover lost journals, lost toys, lost books and lost hats. Most of all I hope I find lost time. I don’t know what I’ll do with it when I find it. But I’ll hold it tightly in my hands. And hope it never escapes so wildly away from me again.
The Best Of
The Fun
The Mix
The Parenting Gig
The Pondering
The Random
The Serious
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
It is amazing what you find. When you clear the clutter in your house.
And in your mind.
(I am totally like Dr Seuss right now)
kelley @ magnetoboldtoo recently posted..Phoenix
Gosh that Dr Suess comment made me laugh.
xx
Jerry Seinfeld said, “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” Personally, I think that neatly describes the force of all children under the age of ten. Sounds like you’re good at creating order out of chaos. Happy excavating xx
Tez recently posted..The Winter of my Content
Tez, I have heard that quote (in fact I have it featured in my Tea Room up there on my tabs). Hilarious isn’t it? xx
I discovered so much when we recently moved . It is so hard to declutter precious memories wound up in the things , themselves , that don’t really matter .
Trish recently posted..Damn Straight – double mastectomy
You’re absolutely right, Trish. So hard to go through this process when I feel so intensely attached to some things. Trying to detach is more difficult than I thought. Much love to you right now. xx
Just I was reading your post, Oscar cuddles up to me and asks “when will I be 5, mum?. I want to be 5″. He is in a bit of a rush to be big at the moment. Almost breaks my heart but i remember wanting to be big. Trying tonfind a good answer for him (without sounding like a huge cliche) is tough. But you are so right, Deb. We are the ones who recognize their wonder and I guess that’s part of our present. I’d never thought of it this way before.
Good luck with your excavation. I’m doing my own excavation, metaphorically though, I guess. Who knows what we will find…
X
Your Oscar sounds like a wise and gorgeous boy. Thank you Gill – I’m getting there. It’s a slower process than I thought.. Good luck with your excavations too. I’d love to hear about them. I miss your writing. x
Aw that photo!! De-cluttering brings so many beautiful memories back into the light!! It’s the BEST thing!!
Kelly Exeter recently posted..Lifehacker Tip #19 – Tidy as you go
And you know what Kelly? I wasn’t expecting that! It is wonderful!
Oh, I’m jealous! I just love decluttering. I love ditching stuff and I love getting rid of emptied out boxes. I love finding good memories and throwing away bad ones. I love how it reminds me never to buy anything again.
My husband is adorably straightforward. Hmmm, I think I’m a bit more like you….
Jill recently posted..Hoi An – pretty as a picture
It certainly gives me a very satisfying feeling as I go along. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed in the middle of the process though… can’t wait for it to be over. That feeling will be heavenly! Yes, I don’t want to buy a thing! PS Yes, you are beautifully complex.